Do you get stuck after flirting with a woman, not knowing how to close?
After I get the girl talking to me, laughing, and I feel like she has some attraction to me. I never know how to make the transition.
First, I am going to assume when you say “make the transition” you are referring to getting physical with her in some sense, or displaying a more sexual intent. A lot of guys have this same problem you’re facing because they wait WAY too long in the interaction to display any sort of sexual interest in the woman.
I used to do this all the time. I would talk to a woman all night, without ever once touching her or giving her any indication that I wanted anything more than friendship … and then later I would find it nearly impossible to go for the kiss without this obvious transition. Hell, the entire buildup to just putting my hand on her leg would become AWKWARD as I would pussy foot around leaving my hand anywhere on her body for more than a second.
Luckily, this all can be avoided. There are three simple things you need to add to your interactions that will make transitioning to a more intimate level entirely easier. But it does require that you grow a set of balls.
The first thing you need to do is introduce some physical flirtation much earlier into the conversation. You should begin by simply touching her innocently as you talk to her. This can be as simple as lightly touching her elbow, giving her high-fives, or touching her shoulder blade.
The touching should start out VERY innocent, and as the conversation progresses should become more and more frequent. The purpose of this is to get her comfortable with you on a physical level. This also makes it a lot easier later on when you want to lean in for a kiss.
The second thing you want to do is make some sort of statement of intent earlier on in the conversation. If you don’t say something that triggers in her brain “oh, this isn’t just a friendly conversation” then she is going to take the frame that you’re just a swell, innocent, “nice guy.” A statement of intent is merely something you casually say to make it clear that your intention of talking to her is not “platonic.”
An example of a statement of intent is: (if she flashes a smile) “You have a really sexy and mischievous smile, like you’re totally up to no good. I’m on to you…”
Just by using the word “sexy” when referring to her eliminates any notion that you see her as friendship material. Friends don’t refer to each other as “sexy.”
Gents, when a beautiful woman crosses your path, don't blow it. Seize the moment! (Carefully!) Here, Mary H. K. Choi demystifies the delicate art of making strangers want to sleep with you
"Would you be horrified if I suggested we go someplace quieter Unless you're an ego monster or a stalker, nobody likes picking up strangers. It forces you to make yourself vulnerable. You feel corny. Hesitant. Plus, what if she's insane? The cost-benefit analysis is hazy.
But you can't swear off the pickup entirely. You'll be bopping along, happy with the couch you just bought, liking your job, going to the gym, maybe even taking multivitamins, and then—boom—you'll see a girl, reading that book, with her hair, and those shoes, and she'll laugh and you'll feel joy and it's awesome and you'll want it. What are you going to do? Talk to her or never see her again? You should talk to her.
Chris Rock is right: "A woman knows if she's gonna sleep with you within the first five minutes of meeting you." So here's how you should open: Glance at her face, her torso region, her shoes, and then back at her face while smiling a medium-size smile. Keep it natural. Looking a girl up and down should take no longer than counting to four. Don't eye-roger the crap out of her and then lick your lips like a zoot-suit-wearing-wolf cartoon. If she doesn't flee like you've got a rattail or a $30,000 ostrich attaché, her curiosity is piqued and you're in the running. Trust.
Let's say the lovely girl is at a bar and half-turned toward you—and she stays that way. Reassure her by looking a little sheepish when you're in her sight line. Your countenance should be all "I know, right? What even is this?" Let her know that you don't think she's a sure thing. (Even if she is wearing an abbreviated dress and enthusiastic underwear.) From there, say hi. (Just like that: "Hi.") Tell her your first name; offer to buy her a drink. Depending on how convincingly you imply that you're baffled by happenstance (because neither of you does this, ever)—and contingent upon just how enthusiastic her underwear is—close. How? Well, the two of you aren't going to rut on a barstool, so an extraction is required. Say the following?"
Here's another scenario: the pavement pickup. This one's a numbers game, so you can't take squat personally, because women have zero vetting mechanisms in place. It's all about delineating yourself from the street crazies. Remember: You are strangers. You could have eight jars of formaldehyde-pickled human face in your weekender. The next thing out of your mouth could be about her juicy pussy or Jesus. (It happens.) So bravely say hi, like earlier. Don't say: I love your Chloë Sevigny for Opening Ceremony spring 2012 cutout shirtwaist. The sidewalk is no place for getting fancy! If she's not dead-eyed, forge on. Say: "My name's [name]. I know this is nuts, but could I buy you a cup of coffee or a drink nearby?"
In any setting, momentum is key. If you can lock time with her, do. If the situation is harried, like on mass transit, try to get her contact or give her yours and promise that if it's a no-go, you'll shove off as far away as that guy (and then point to a guy a half car away). Assure her that you won't make it weird. Make no mention of "Missed Connections."
Oh, a couple of quick notes about exchanging contact info: Don't hand a girl your card. If you use Facebook as a verb, you've already lost. If she does give you her phone number, do the unthinkable and call. Everyone hates phones, but not texting is a good curveball.
If the call goes to voice mail, this is your time to shine. Be adorable. Clear your throat. Do that thing where you say a running commentary of exactly what you're doing: "This is me calling you on your phone, leaving you a voice mail, hoping you'll call back, because then I can take you out." That's the best! If she calls you back, chances are she's into you. Just don't screw this up for her, okay?
1. Build your self esteem. You've got to be comfortable in your own skin if you want to be comfortable around girls. Most women are more naturally attuned to social cues and signals than men are, so if you're an insecure phony, they'll probably catch it. Challenge your negative thoughts and reinforce your positive ones to build self confidence.
2. Learn to be comfortable alone. You can't reek of desperation. You need to be comfortable on your own so you won't be reliant on the approval of others. If you aren't reliant on girls for approval and self-validation you'll find yourself far more comfortable around them.
3. Learn something new. Engaging in self improvement is key to becoming comfortable and confident in your own skin. You don't need to be a genius, but improving your knowledge and learning new skills will help you become more self assured and confident. You'll also never lack for an interesting answer when a girl asks you what is new!
4. Exercise and get in shape. You don't need to look like a bodybuilder or athlete, but taking positive steps to improve yourself physically works wonders. Not only will you feel more attractive, but your brain will release mood and confidence boosting endorphins that will improve your self esteem long before you see a difference in how you look. Improving yourself physically and engaging in activities that challenge yourself will both build confidence and get you used to pushing the limits of your comfort zone.
5. Acclimate yourself to girls. Force yourself to be around girls as much as possible. Inoculate yourself to their presence. Find common ground (or mention your new knowledge, hobby, or skill!) to start up conversations. No matter how much you work on everything else, you'll never learn to be comfortable around girls if you stay behind a computer screen. More importantly, the more you are around a girl, the more likely she is to enjoy your company. There are obviously caveats for being overbearing, but for the most part girls will like more when they are around you more.
6. Take advantage of social groups. You don't have to start by striking out on your own and spending time with a girl 1 on 1. You can meet and spend time with girls in groups of mutual friends. Make a decision to interact individually with girls when given the opportunity in this situation. You automatically have the safety net of a group for both parties to hang out with if things get awkward or you start to become nervous.
You can also use a social group as a low pressure opportunity to invite a girl to spend time with you when she perhaps she wouldn't have otherwise. Example: "Hey Becky, my friends and I were going to see the new movie. Have you seen it yet? We thought you might like to come."
7. Engage in person. It is time to practice building connections. In an unobtrusive way, try to listen for and observe the habits and interests of girls. Use these observations to strike up conversations with girls. More often then not, they'll be happy to talk about the subject, giving you a low stress opportunity to listen and have them drive the majority of the conversation. For example:
- Compliment a girl on her new hairstyle and ask why she decided to change it.
- See that a girl is wearing school or community sports apparel, mention that you like the sport, and ask how long she has been playing.
- Notice a girl's tan and ask if she has been to the beach recently.
- Observe palm calluses or scraped shins and ask when she got into weightlifting.
8. Develop further contact. Once rapport has been established, you can try to get girls' phone numbers or social media contact information. This doesn't have to seem like asking a girl out - but it sure is good practice! The ability to chat over text can help you learn to talk to girls in any environment.
- Be sure not to get tied to only communicating electronically! It is a good start and good practice, but not everything!
9. Don't let rejection get you down. When asking for a girl's contact information, it is okay if they decline. It shouldn't shake your confidence, nor should you become pushy. Even the best baseball players fail to get on base over half the time. Don't let rejection get you disappointed.
- Occasional rejection and disappointment are actually healthy. Getting rejected and then bouncing back will condition you to realize that rejection is totally normal and okay!
10. Project welcoming body language. Your body language can say a lot! You don't want to be telling girls that you are nervous, or worse, that you don't want to talk to them. Your words might sound comfortable and engaging, but if your body language is off, they'll be as nervous as you are and the interaction will be awkward.
- A smile works wonders! Also keep your hips and shoulders open to potential conversation partners (crossed or folded arms and hands are bad!)
- Use reasonable hand motions, gestures, and eye contact while speaking. You'll appear more engaging, plus the physical movement is an outlet for stress, relaxing and soothing you.
- Casually make friendly physical contact when appropriate. A tap on the forearm to draw attention or a touch on the shoulder when passing are perfectly normal and are very easy physical icebreakers.
11. Engage in conversation. Girls are actually very much like guys, and enjoy talking about many of the same things. Discover mutual interests and focus on those, or let her know that you are curious about her interests. Conversations with girls are probably easier than you think, especially when you are talking about a comfortable subject that you already like.
- The most important part of a conversation? Being a good listener. If you are a good listener, both guys and girls will be more than happy to pour out their hearts and minds. The best part is that you won't even have to talk too much if you aren't comfortable doing that.
- Listening is the most important communication skill you can have. Being a good listener will also demonstrate that you care about the other person, rather than being focused on yourself.
12. Do things together. The easiest way to not only break the ice but also build comfort in a relationship is to do things together. This doesn't have to occur in the format of a date. By having your attention focused on a particular task or activity, nervousness is less likely to creep in. It is a much more low pressure way of building comfort and getting to know one another than an extended 1-on-1 conversation or date.
- Find activities that involve common interests or responsibilities. Walk your dogs or do your homework together.
- Suggest new adventures that you both might be interested in. If you both do something new, you'll be more nervous about and focused on the new activity, rather than your nervousness about being around a girl.
- Remember- you are already comfortable taking to girls, opening,& talking to females in a professional environment or just friends & family
- Relax. This is a tired cliche, but that doesn't make it less true: Be yourself.
- Try to be around more friendly, outgoing girls. They are often much easier to talk with and the practice can help you become more comfortable too.
Don't follow "Pick-Up Artist" (PUA) advice. Tips like "Negging" and "Peacocking" don't actually make you better with or more comfortable around girls. They just reduce interactions with girls to a narrow and predictable set of meaningless and juvenile scripts. PUA behavior is immature and embarrassing.